moving

Just a change of address:

http://www.michelleetalks.blogspot.com

("michelletalks" was already taken, dangit)

It's the same exact blog with the same entries/comments (importing/exporting blogs is surprisingly easy!) - I just got annoyed at how long the website name was.  OCD-ness kicking in.  It's also because I want to eventually make a "michelleeeats" and "michelleesees", for obvious purposes.  Dang that extra "e".  I can't take it out anymore even if I don't need it, because it won't be consistent with the other address names.  OCD-ness kicking in again.

But yes!  For the nonexistent people whose eyes see this thing, please move move move so I can delete this :)  Because (yes, it's the OCD) it bothers me that I have two nearly identical blogs under my name, and I have to get rid of the one I'm not really using pronto.

lost, lost, lost my mind

"A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man should have to chase Him to find her." - C.S. Lewis

I remember a time when my heart was set on one man.

My friend asked me, "Why don't you want a boyfriend?"

I answered confidently, "Because I want to fall in love with God first."

He laughed.  Incredulously.  "That's cute," he says.  

Awkward silence.

"...wait, seriously?"

Oh yeah, I was serious.  Maybe a little naive.  But serious.

Yet here I am, three years later, in a world of one-month anniversaries, sappy chick-flicks, GooJunpyo

in a world of happy endings, "finding the one", couples blossoming left and right

in a world of perfect date spots, date restaurants, and date movies

and thinking, sometimes,

that maybe I got left behind

Left behind in a world of fifth wheeling, jjajjangmyun, and single-girls'-sleepovers

in a world of "Who do you like?" "What's your ideal guy?" and "When on earth are you getting a boyfriend?!"

in a world of "How do you not like anyone?  Are you...lesbian?!"

Sometimes I fool myself into thinking I'm ready.

That was then.  This is NOW.  Look at me, I'm 18, in college, so experienced, I know all there is to love, I know I can handle it.

When all I really want is that comfort of knowing someone's thinking of me

to feel special

to feel loved

to be told, "You're beautiful to me"

I can't help but to think of the Lifehouse "Everything" skit's representation of this - when the girl gets seduced by the boy.  She tries once to reach for Christ's hand again, but is pulled back by her desires and is left consumed with her lust.

It's funny that we search for that comfort in people who can't ever offer it to us perfectly - after all, how often have we seen friends (and even ourselves) in broken relationships and left dejected, alone, and in unbearable pain?

Sometimes I get really sick of people telling me all the time that I need to get a stinkin' boyfriend.

Of course, I'm human - sometimes I feel left out.  Sometimes I feel lonely.  Yes, sometimes I wish I could double date with all my friends who are paired off already.

But facts are facts, and I know I'm not ready yet.  I'm not because I still have so much to learn about Christ.  And in the words of my good friend Cathy, if we don't know Christ, how can we know love?

In the end - despite my worldly desires and endless shortcomings - I don't want to look behind me and stop because someone caught my eye.

I don't want to run after anyone.

Not until we're looking in the same direction and, getting ahead of me, he finally catches my eye.

And I keep running.

things are funny at 3am

danko: hey michelle

danko: can u help me again ? 

me: ugh

me: hahahha

me: yeah

danko: thank you thank you :)

danko: i will play songs for u with my uke

danko: beautiful songs like

me: YAAAAAY

danko: uhh

danko: beautiful girls sean kingston

me: HAHA ew why would you play that

me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

danko: dont judge me its 3 am and im going crazy

me: were you just trying to think of something that starts with "beautiful"

danko: hahaha

danko: yeh

-later-

danko: thankss

me: no problem

me: just don't sing beautiful girls

danko: k

on shoes.

Some look good, but come one size too small.

You force them on, determined to make it work.

They pinch, pinch, pinch at your toes.

Then slowly, the pinching becomes suffocating

     and you think - if only my feet were an inch smaller

Some are trendy, flashy, and all-the-rage.

You "just gotta have them", right here, right now

But they quickly go out of style

     and you think - how last season

Some are comfortable, convenient, and care-free.

You slip them on, slip them off so easily,

But they give you blisters when you run

     and you think - what low-quality

Some look perfect on shelves.

You like the idea, but can't see yourself in them.

Everything seems right, but something's off

     and you think - just not my style

And then there's some that look good, but feel good, too.

You know they're yours the minute you try them on, because

They're like your classic black Chuck-Taylors

Broken in by your feet, molded to your imperfections

Dressed up, dressed down, last year, next year

Laced and double-knotted, so they won't ever fall off.

     and you think - these are the only shoes I'll ever really need.

sometimes,

bad things happen for a reason.

Like today, for example.

About to brush my teeth, I opened my toothpaste and squeezed it - only to have a bunch squirt out, completely miss my toothbrush, and land in the sink.

"Dang it!" I thought.

And then I realized that what I thought was my toothpaste was actually my face wash, at which moment I was very thankful that it didn't come close to touching my toothbrush at all.

Very thankful, indeed.

come out, come out

"Lazarus, 

come out,"

says Jesus.

Lazarus.  

Dead for four days.

Rotting.

Supposedly without his soul.

Lifeless.

If, by merely responding to Jesus' call of power, love, and glory, he was able to come out into the light, a living, breathing, man - how much more can He do for us?

We who are by nature:

Dead in our transgressions.

Chained.

Bound.

Mummified.

Even when we are at a point of no return, no hope, and it can't possibly get any worse - 

He who raised from the dead and took our place can bring us to life.  Set us free.  Unwrap us of our sinfulness and make us new.

He's calling us.  Right now.  To come out and receive his love.  To be renewed.  Reborn.  Resurrected.

Oh, how I want to respond to your call...

stupid americans.

Things that crossed my mind today:

1) Forks are horrible for eating california rolls. They are horrible for mixing wasabi into soy sauce, for daintily dipping a roll into it, for picking off the excess rice to save stomach space, and for poking the cucumbers out because you're allergic to them. Basically, American eating utensils suck.
2) In a life or death situation, I can get from Revelle to ERC in 11 minutes without the shuttle. Me = Superwoman.
3) Sore throats s-u-c-k.
4) Tiny things can overshadow big things more easily than you think.
5) I want to be carried off my feet. Blown away. Inspired. Amazed. Enthralled. Not just mildly entertained.
6) Always carry a camera, because the Kodak moments always sneak up on you when you're without one. Like today on the OVT bridge. The juxtaposition of the black silhouette of huge trees against the eerie, blue-gray sky streaked with magnificent silver clouds all lit up by a bright, white, swiss-cheese-y full moon was screaming to be captured, but my camera phone could barely make out the moon. It was sad.
7) Spring.